Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Definition of a Good Day...

...WARNING! This post is not for the weak of heart, or those who are delicately natured...I've been of your lovely snotty nosed children (or mine) exposed me to the dreaded germs!

Today, my definition of a good day is any day that starts without peeing or pooping on myself as my body is wracked by deep waves of trying to cough! (I have done more laundry in the past five days than when all three of my kids lived at home!) It's not been pleasant, but (no pun intended) I have survived to live and tell about it!

My last post was the start of my demise...I can carry on a conversation without bursting into tears and apologizing through gasps and slobber (*NOTE TO SELF: remember to clean the telephones) I feel like I should mix a big bucket of 10 percent bleach solution and wipe down the house! I know this is a futile attempt at sanitizing, after the fact, but at least it won't be able to make the rounds again.

I don't do down time well...I can with company, but not alone...I've often wondered why as I struggle up from under twenty three afghans on the couch to go get the broom to sweep down the giant cobweb across the living room (Why hadn't I noticed that earlier? Like three feet earlier?) OMG! It extends fourteen feet, across the entire eyes are glazing over...I feel faint...hold on...wait! Where did that chair go?

Oh no! Going to cough...find a concentration point...too late! Make my way down the hall to my bathroom, start the shower, open the door to get in and realize it's so dirty if it was a shower at a campground, I would refuse to use it and take a cold shower from a hose instead...I step in...and cough...oh well, there's a drain. (At this point, it's like being in Labor and Delivery-modesty and decorum go out the window)

I manage to get through the shower feeling somewhat cleaner than when I went in...I put on a clean bath robe (my husband's) and take all the nasty clothes I removed to the washer...and cough...this time I'm surprised by a warm mushy feeling on the back of my legs...OMG! It's now running down the back of my leg...have you ever tried to run to the bathroom while going?! Without having any idea how to control it?

Needless to say, back in the shower...hoping and praying that the kids don't get up and come downstairs and slip with the trail I left in the hall...YUCKO! Shower #2 accomplished...I head to the this point I could care less if the clothes actually need to be separated...I start the wash and the clean's not at all fun...nothing I care to repeat. (I'll forever be grateful for Thursday mornings and taking the trash to the road!) My slippers, my favorite slippers are full of &*!# in the trash..believe me, it's where they need to be...I would have put them in with the rest of the mess but they surely would have fallen apart before the Rinse cycle and I couldn't bear another mess.

Monday finds me at the doctors office. I'm not sure how I got there...I did...I drove...naughty me. She took one look at me and started to call the pharmacy...mega doses of anti-biotics and I want a sleepy time cough thank you...a glass of wine will do me...she smiles and continues scanning the chart...oh no, she's caught me at a weak moment...when was your last Women's Health Exam? I really have no friggin idea, or care today...I mumbled my response...well, T. will make you one while the pharmacy prepares your prescription. GREAT!!! Just what I want to think about now having my boobs squashed between cold metal! T. asked all the vital information and off I went...she'd call and leave me my appointment easy is that? I'll tell you how easy, a whole lot easier if she went to the damned appointment, got half naked, had her boobs handled by strangers and then alternatively squished in a vice...reminds me of the comic who smashes fruit and the audience is covered in plastic sheets...why get all dressed up to end up with water melon dripping off your nose? What's the point?

Anyway, today is a good day, by my definition and as an added bonus the sun is shining and my pants are dry! Even though the hubby is honking and snorttling on the other side of the we go again!


coffespaz said...

Awww....I'm so sorry! That really stinks. I caught that nasty stomach bug that went around after the holidays and it made me have vertigo spells.

Hang in there and feel better. HUGS

P.S. No malice intended for adding you to my blogroll w/o your permission. I add those whom I enjoying reading and totally didn't think to let you know. Apologies if I offended!

Wendy said...

Oh, you make me laugh!!! Slippers slithering in the wash, unmentionable stuff dripping down your legs. And on top of all that - a boob-squeeze x-ray coming up!!!
Well, if this is a good day for you?????? LOL!
Thanks for the chuckle!

Erin said...

I so didn't mean to laugh at your misfortune or terrible time you were having, but you do write very well and I WAS giggling. Sorry. Hope you continue to feel better!

Do you mind if I add you to my blogroll?

Grandmother Goddess of the Garden said...

Go ahead...make my day complete!

coffespaz said...

Hi! Just wanted to pop in to see if you were feeling better. Hope you are having a good, restful weekend.

Michelle said...

I am so sorry you have had the sickies...and I am even more sorry that I laughed all the while reading your post. I hope you can forgive me!

Bear Bites said...

Groaning in deep empathy for you! I have always been fortunate enough to be home alone for these moments! Thank you for so bravely sharing. I hope this finds everyone well there. Everyone here is finally on the mend!

My Semblance of Sanity said...

What a story!!!

holy cow!
Glad you are on the mend!

coffespaz said... is the Goddess feeling now? Better I hope! :-)

The Journey Begins Here said...

Hi Goddess,

I didn't know your first name for some reason until Mimi mentioned it. Then the connection hit me.

I am praying for you and thinking about you.

Love Theresa

Michelle said...

Just checking in to see how you are doing.

sama said...

oh my goodness! hon, i'm sorry, i shouldn't have laughed, but i did! been there, done that, washed the floor! bugs are vile, aren't they!

your blog is fabulous, and i am really enjoying reading it, and filled with absolute admiration for you.